Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The U. S. Department of Education Announces Data-Driven Education News Channel, On Air 24/7


The Eggplant

The U. S. Department of Education Announces Data-Driven Education News Channel, On Air 24/7

Data-Driven Education News Channel

The U. S. Department of Education Never Sleeps. . . working 24/7 to keep your data safe.

1:00 A.M. Data Deficit Alert

Special panel

US Department of Education Assistant Undersecretary of Data Waldorf Snerd reports dismal national scores, "U.S. Teachers Fall to 83rd place in International Data Discovery."

George Miller names Texas certified public accountant Norma Garza and all-around committeeman Timothy Shanahan to co-chair special red alert investigative task force.


Has Data Deficiency Ruined Your Sex Life?
Help is just an e-mail away.
University of Oregon, Center on Teaching and Learning offers relief
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3:00 A.M. In bold move, NCTE/IRA convert Literacy Coaching Clearinghouse to Data Coaching Clearinghouse

"We want the world to see that we're pulling our chairs up to the table," NCTE and IRA Executive Directors announce in their proposal to put data coaches in every classroom in America.


4:00 A.M. Homeland Security Data Protection Alert

Secretary Janet Napolitano and U.S. Data Information Enforcement (DIE) Director John Nugenfeld announce record-breaking data enforcement statistics achieved under the Obama administration �and project unprecedented numbers of data wimp removals from classrooms in the fiscal year 2011.

Napolitano explains the President's proposal to change the inscription on the dollar bill from "IN GOD WE TRUST" to "IN DATA WE TRUST."

5:00 A.M. What Ignorant, Lazy, Overpaid Teachers Don't Want you to Know About Their Data

Arne Duncan explains the 6,849 data-weak classroom practices he wants public school teachers to eliminate.

This program is underwritten by the Los Angeles Times and Newsweek.

6:00 A.M. WORLD PREMIER! Daughters of American Data

To be announced.

7:00 A.M. What Makes an Economy Grow? DATA.

Following close on its enthusiastic support of the national Common Core standards, the national PTA announces support of a special report funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. "Parents need to know that approximately 80% of the human race lives in data poverty," said PTA public relations chief Ditsy Doogan. "But the national PTA is committed to spreading the good news of this study: a federal plan of action for scientific, data-driven relief is available."

The study What Makes an Economy Grow? DATA was produced by Achieve, Inc., who received $666,666.66 from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

For dissemination of the good news of the federal data plan revealed in the study the National PTA received $1,382.697.42.

8:00 A.M. First Annual Congressional Data Breakfast

"The family that collects their data together, stays together," advises Filip A. Fillips, founder of Data Design, Inc., at the first annual Data Destiny Congressional Breakfast.
--event emceed by Oprah
Oprah Special: "Data ReHab:10 Data Decisions We've Made for You."


9 A.M. New Leaders for New Schools present 1,836 Power Point slides Data Counts: Teachers with Know-How Collecting Evidence of Learning.

SPECIAL!! Arne Duncan, Al Sharpton, and Newt Gingrich slated to inaugurate the new US Department of Education theme song, "Data Drive," lyrics by Brent Staples, choreographed by Rujuta Vaidya, best-known for choreographing Britney Spears' Oscar routine from "Slum Dog Millionaire."
--This performance underwritten by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

9:00 A.M. College Professors Speak Out

Professors reveal cutting-edge research: A Meta-analysis of Data Determinism Trials in Chicago, Los Angeles, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Newark, Wilmington, New York City, and Washington, D. C.

Professors conclude more analysis needed.

10.00 A.M. Yak Yak with Tom

New York Times pundit Thomas Friedman discuses the Senate's failure to pass the Data Deluge bill. Recounting his conversation with a train agent in Puttaparthi, billionaire Friedman explains what this catastrophic Senate meltdown means to the out-of-work pipefitter in Ohio and to the U. S. ability to maintain its place in the global marketplace.

11:00 A.M. Is your child's college at risk from professional terrorists? What the pinheaded mumbo-jumbo theorists are up to now.

Bill O'Reilly offers a shocking report on professorial terrorism: "Stifling Data Discovery on Campus."

12.00 Noon Data Delivery

Rush Limbaugh takes on secularists, feminists, gay marriage advocates, secessionists, vivisectionists, vegetarians, anti-phonics freaks, wiccans clairvoyants, tea leaf readers, and illegal aliens whose aim is to bring down Up With Data!

Order your Autographed Copy of Democrats Data Default here

1:00 P.M. Pre-Natal Data Awareness

Yale researchers offer program for using data to prevent dyslexia.

Data Determinism
Stay informed! Daily e-mail updates. Send us your questions.

This program underwritten by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

2:00 P.M. Live from Chicago: New Leaders for New Schools/Teach for America Collaborative Professional Development worksheet #6,348

Using the Online Test-In-Hand Analysis: To be completed every 47 minutes

1. In Column B, enter the actual % correct from the "Condensed Item Analyses Report."

2. In Column C, enter an "X" if over 50% of the students missed the item.

3. In Column D, enter an "X� if the predicted % correct was higher (by 20% or more) than the actual % correct.

4. In Column E, enter an �X" if the % correct for the school was higher (by 20% or more) than the actual % correct.

5. In Column F, enter an �X� if this one of the three hardest items on the test.

6. Examine the "Test Statistics Report" to determine results lying outside acceptable parameters. Use this data for step 7.

7. In Column G, enter an "X" by those items that have the greatest number of "X"s or are most important to re-teach. Use the data that has been collected in Tables 5 and 6 to determine high priority items for re-teaching.

3.00 P. M. Is Your Child's School Safe from Data Derelicts?

Agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Percentiles provide safety tips.


Chicago family whose 8-year-old was in the classroom of a teacher who did not make full utilization of Mining the Meaning of Incorrect Answer Choices tell their tragic story.
Oprah offers special plan for relief.

5:00 p.m. Maury
Mon. Attack of the Data Wreckers!
Tues. Mom & 6 daughters swapped data with same 63-year-old lover!!
Wed. Data Tattoos: Fantastic Body Art!!!
Thurs. "I Faked 120 Data Points To Keep Hubby Happy"
Fri. Bi-Data Revealed!!!!

6:00 DATA NEWS that Matters


  • Duncan denies that Race to the Top calls for National Guard to be called out to monitor lesson plans. Says he's confident an expanded Teach for America corps can do the job.

  • AFT offers Minority Sentence-Diagrammer-of-Year Award

  • Professorial Terrorism: Stifling Data Discovery on Campus

  • Data International Threat: The Singapore Story

  • The Effects of Data Intervention on At-Risk Youth with an Aversion to brussels sprouts

  • Tom Clancy Speaks Out: "Why I'll Pick Up a Gun for Data!

  • 7:00 P.M. Live at 7

    Should every high school graduate be required to demonstrate data dexterity? Meet one Fortune 500 executive who says Yes!

    8:00 p.m. Congressional Update

    George Miller, Chair, House Committee on Education and Labor, explains why the President must sign a free data agreement with Uruguay.

    9:00 p.m. PBS Spotlight: Lemuel Gets a Chance

    View the heartwarming experience of six urban families and their Data Deficit experience.

    10:00 P.M. NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH: Taking on Terror

    It's 10 o�clock. Do you know where your family's data are?

    Only YOU can keep our community safe

    PAID ADVERTISEMENT: Has Data Deficiency Ruined Your Sex Life?
    Help is just an e-mail away.
    University of Oregon
    Enroll now.

    11:P.M. Daily Data

    Devotionals: an ecumenical invocation

    PAID ADVERTISEMENT: 12 steps to Data Delivery Payoff

    Enroll now and receive free 17-blade blender plus the collected pronouncements of Ms. Norma Garza, Texas certified public accountant who served on the National Reading Panel. http://www.data.renewal.gov



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    The Eggplant



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